It seems that my period of angst and frustrations is not yet over. 🥺 Although I had made an attempt to adjust my brain so that I was not thinking like a spoilt child, it only took a few rude words to send me back into the pit of despair.

Basically, I feel untethered. Not lost. Not confused. Not distracted. But, without purpose, meaning, and perhaps even mis- and displaced. 😢

For the second time since being married to M, I find myself in a position of complete dependence with no actionable solution. 😟 Although there are projects I can do around the house – there are plenty -, or words to be written, or various other tasks that could be created, none of them make me feel “useful”. So, when I asked the man to take the garbage up to the top of the drive and he retorted with ‘you know, you’re capable of taking out the garbage and you can’t complain about not having purpose if you want to play the gender card…’ (I paraphrase a bit), I silently stewed in molten lava 🤬 with my frustration at his utter lack of comprehension as to what I thought I had made clear to him the night before. Obviously, I had not either from my own lack of explanation or his lack of desire to understand – I choose to think it is the latter reason. 🤷🏽‍♀️😬

Even my dad, in his wont as a man to try to “fix” the situation, gave me advice to go outside and find projects that will make me feel good with physical exertion or, at least satisfaction that I have something to show for my efforts if there is nothing else I can do.

While neither men were incorrect in their statements and suggestions, both men are missing the point. I am a highly educated, intelligent woman who does not find satisfaction or meaning in doing things around the house or outside. Aside from the fact that I am basically allergic to the outdoors between the bugs, plants, and practically the air, it is my brain and mind that needs to feel valued and worked. Like our Beagle puppies, I need to be challenged and intellectually stimulated with a reward at the end – like money, or treats in the case of the pups. 🐶

My anger arises from being told that I can make myself useful by cleaning up after him, doing his/our laundry, taking out the trash, or doing whatever other chores around the house that he doesn’t want to do because he has purpose as the one making an income and controlling every other aspect of my life. I am not allowed to complain or ask him to do things because I have expressed a dissatisfaction with my current situation. 😳🙄

Admittedly, I realize I may not be helping myself either as I say it is a lack of money, but that I don’t want to work full-time (plus I actually cannot due to our visa) or that I don’t have a sense of purpose each day – which does not equate to doing tasks around the house. Still, I rebuke the idea that I should shut up and take care of things myself no matter if it is domestic or otherwise just because the “man” can’t appreciate the fact that I’m discontent at a lack of control over my own decisions that involve having to spend money, which is basically everything.

So, I am trapped and stuck.

I know it is not easy for him either and realize that my discontent is probably not helping him…. He tried to say that I should see that my purpose for the moment is to support him since he is the only one who can get us through this period of challenges. He’s probably right, but it doesn’t mean that I like it. It also doesn’t change how I feel – for now.

My current solution is to control myself and what I can within my means. I’ve returned to making a daily hourly schedule for myself along with my todo lists. This gives me direction each day at least. I’ve temporarily accepted that my almost 46-year-old self has to ask for permission and funds to spend money on little luxuries like getting my nails or hair done or going out to a cafe to work/write. Plus, I am doing freelance work to try to earn some spending money when I can since my visa is less threatened by that. And so, that is the current reality.

While it keeps me in a bit of a funk, it also is manageable for the moment. 🤪 Maybe now I can focus on writing and doing other productive things that I do enjoy as a distraction 💪🏽 until this phase ends – and, it will eventually. 🤞🏽🤞🏽

~T 🔥🐉♋️