Being independent in thinking, persona, and image can leave one (me) with a sense of loneliness, even when I am surrounded by others, most especially by those I actually like.
I have always been a trend balker. If something becomes trendy, I actively go the other way to avoid being considered a follower or a joiner. In Robert Frost’s poem The Road Not Taken, he ends with the statement that taking the less traveled path has made all the difference. While there may be many a discussion on whether or not he is expressing this in a positive or negative tone, I have always taken it as a positive.
So, it is to my own dismay that when I hear of others, whom I like, getting together without a mention or invite directed toward us I get a tinge of jealousy/envy. It sparks questions that I normally do not allow to enter my thought processes. However, for a few hours or a day, they take over the forefront of my ponderings.
Why wasn’t I/we invited? Are we not really friends? Is it me? Is it him? Is it them? Did I do something? Am I not likable? Was I even here and able to go if I had been invited? Why do I care, really?
The answers aren’t actually that important, nor are they going to change my behavior – unless it really is a disliking of me kind of situation.
It’s more a curiosity as to why I might take it personally at all. I am not a FOMO kind of person. I don’t like large groups anyway. Yet….
Perhaps, it is because when I do reach out for a quiet coffee with some, I get lukewarm replies. Not straight out cold ones, but enough of a ‘no’ to make me feel okay about it. Then, I find out she/he/they have been hanging out with others I have made similar offers to, but not been included in. A less confident, self-assured person might take that as a true personal slight.
Then, I remind myself–I don’t like groups or doing things in such a way. It’s not my nature to join sporting activities, especially in groups or teams. It’s not my nature to do things just because others are. Therefore, there is nothing to feel upset about or to take personally. It is what it is and who I am.
So, after a short reflective semi-pity/perturbed party, I’m OK. I’m looking forward. I have plenty that I enjoy doing and much happening in the coming days. I’ll enjoy our moments together, but continue to not be dependent on having an active social life here; for now.
It’s a good, busy week ahead, so better get to it!
~ T π₯πβοΈ
