I feel as if I have written about this topic before, but it has come up again and so I shall comment on it based on recent conversations with friends and M. It started with the recent news of a celebrity figure announcing his split from his wife with whom he had been married for a number of years.
The reason for the split, as reported, was that he was a child and the subtext is that she had had enough.
Although social media and presentations given by men, no matter the platform, suggest that women let themselves go as they get older, or that women are the ones who are not “enough”, reality provides the complete opposite side.
In my circle of friends, there are a number of ladies who have beautiful hearts, are intelligent, successful in what they do, and have so much love to give. Yet, these ladies struggle to find a man who meets them where they are; basically, so many men fall short of expectations, hopes, and desires.
Why is this?
The fact of the matter is that most women find peace and calm in not having a man in the house. Couples who split after the children are gone, are likely – according to my observations – because the woman is tired and not willing to continue both mothering and wife-ing for just their husbands. Women need and want men to step up to the task of being more than just a financial earner, if that is the traditional role they have settled upon, or the “fun-parent” who can offset the parent dynamics when raising children.
While all people can behave at the emotional level of an eight-year-old, most women are also able to run a house and hold down jobs at the same time. Indeed, most men can as well. The difference is that, sadly, many men do not see that there is (or should be) a partnership in the home. Even if the woman does not “work” outside of the home in a traditional job, there is a lot of work that gets done inside the house. Many regular jobs have clearly defined tasks that are often limited to the role that one is paid to fulfill. However, in the home, the tasks are endless without limits.
Now, of course, there are “man” jobs (blue jobs) and “woman” jobs (pink jobs) in many homes. For example, tradition has determined that a man takes out the garbage, does DIY fix-ups, maintains the cars, etc. Meanwhile, the woman does the cooking, laundry, cleaning, shopping, etc.
What I’d like to point out in just this short list of tasks above is that when a mess is made, or there are more mouths to feed, the size of the task increases for the woman. Yet, the tasks for the men are consistent in size, even if there are more of them at times. This increase of load for a woman can be exhausting. So, now imagine the unstated relief of a semi-retirement phase when the children finally leave home since the load will ideally decrease, but the man carries on leaving his clothes around or dirty dishes out, or not appreciating the food made. It is sort of no wonder that a woman might get fed up.
I’m not saying either is right or wrong. I’m just saying that I can sympathize with women who say they have had enough after many years.
At the same time, I can also feel sorry for the men who may be bewildered by the change since for them life seemed to just go on an usual. Unfortunately, without an awareness or communication about the new phase of life between the couples, it can lead to a preference to have one’s own life.
Yet, going back to the circle of single lady friends I mentioned before, many women do want to be with men. They just want them to be considerate, capable, and well, trained!
As for me, I feel lucky every day that M and I have a balanced division of roles and that they do not necessarily always follow the traditional ones. We also communicate regularly and openly about how we feel about tasks or where we are with each other. Conversations may not always be kind or happy, but by having them we give each other space and respect to voice our views openly. Then, it is up to each person to decide how to help or worsen the situation.
Sadly, for the couples who decide they cannot find a path forward together, it can be too late. Happily for me, we both never want it to ever become too late.
~T π₯πβοΈ
