As I attempt to work on my fiction novel, I feel supported by my new mentor through the PocketMFA program that I decided to join to help me move forward with my writing on this manuscript. She has also written non-fiction first, then moved toward writing her fiction novels. As I spoke with her at the end of last week, I more clearly understood my challenges in being able to stick with the fiction.
Non-fiction is fact-based, hence its name. It is clear and indisputable for the most part. Emotions are also left out of the writing except for perhaps some minor commentary here and there. It is much easier to write about the facts. There is basically little-to-no emotional drama in this style of writing.
Part of me wonders if being with a highly dramatic individual causes me to lean more towards the logical, practical, and less emotional writing.
Have I always been fairly unemotional? Yes, I think so. Was I naturally this way? Perhaps, but I can’t say for sure.
My earliest baby pictures suggest that I was not the cheeriest of babies, but perhaps I was content to be quiet in my own little world. As I got older and life happened to me, I learned that it did not serve me to be an emotional child. Either I was reprimanded for it, or I got too much attention for it. Neither result was what I wanted.
In general, I’m a serious person. I no longer take life as seriously as I used, which caused me a lot of worry and anxiety. However, I still prefer a philosophical and thought-provoking conversation over light-hearted jesting. Mostly, though, I dislike drama for the sake of it. Unfortunately, this cannot be said to be true for the one with whom I share my life. π€ͺ
One way that I have learned to control my emotional urges is through meditation. This, with some therapy, reading of personal growth/development books, and listening to advice in the form of podcasts or other people, has given me new perspectives on the effect of a dramatic or overly emotional response to things. The biggest takeaway being the negative impact that it has on my own state of being as well as its ripple effect onto others.
The challenge now is not how my emotions affect others, but how I am affected by theirs.
When we listened to Will Smith’s memoir/autobiography, we laughed at his self-proclaimed demand to get on the “Will Smith Train” at all costs. However, we also saw the cost with the downfall or derailing of this train on screens around the world. Often, M takes on this mentality to get on the “Matthew Footner Train” or else. I try to reign him in a bit by pulling the brakes to slow him down. It’s not that I want to hold him back, but I have my own train going at its own speed. I do not want to be pulled or dragged to a speed that does not suit me or my own priorities.
Lately, I have prioritizing my own writing pursuits and activities. At the same time, M has increased his focus on his projects. On the surface, all is good and balanced.
Underneath is the bubbling of the drama as he revs up his emotional outburst engines.
To write well, I need a calm mind. I need the space to be free to let my thoughts roam. Sometimes that means that I am reading a book or walking on the treadmill. Sometimes it looks as if I am doing nothing to those who do not understand how creativity works. There is rarely a time in which I am actually doing nothing, even when I watch TV I want to crochet or do something creative.
Therefore, it can be frustrating when the Drama Train tries to speed through. At times, the conductor of the train feels emboldened to suggest that what I am doing in the creative space is not important because it isn’t what HE is doing or because it doesn’t make the money that HIS does. Or, more commonly, that I am not responding or doing at the speed in which his train wants to go. The self-importance of the Drama Train is a dangerous blind spot that could derail if not careful.
Luckily, for all of us, I have the confidence and the ability to adapt or stop the drama altogether if need be. Sometimes, the ego balloon needs a little air let out of it so that equilibrium is restored for all. And, sometimes, it just means that a little time is spent apart with a short trip away here or a day out is spent there. π
Also, now that I have a support system to help me focus my attention on the fiction writing, I feel stronger to ignore the ups and downs of the emotional tornado. It doesn’t mean that I don’t often vent my own emotions or jump on for a quick ride. However, I know that I can hop off it and redirect its tracks so that I can get my own goals met, which is a HUGE relief! π
~T π₯πβοΈ
